It looks idyllic, don’t you think?. It’s a nice place. A nice house, with a big garden, an orchard and a tiny tiny farm. It’s where my in-laws live, and we visit every Saturday. Physically, it’s such a nice place. But…it’s not really relaxing. My in-laws, and especially Marshal woman, believe in hard work, cleaning, and nothing else. And their home is the NO house. There’s so many things on the NOT to do list that it makes it hard to have a nice time, and sometimes it looks more like a museum. Kids and adults are to follow the same rules there. NO hands on walls (they’re white and your dirty fingers would spoil them); NO hands on doors (fingerprints); NO eating outside the dining room (bread crumbs are terrifying); NO leaving the table until everyone has finished everything on the plate. NO touching the heating system. Their thermostat reads 14 degrees celsius (57.2 fahrenheit). If it’s colder than that, it will turn on. If not… well, you freeze. Of course, everyone knows that and we all dress accordingly on Saturday. My sister in law told me once that when she was still in school and was studying at home, if she complained that she was too cold to turn the pages of her book her mom would say: “put your gloves on”. Great. Today I just discovered another NO. We were in the living room and it was quite sunny so I drew the curtains.
Enter Marshal woman: “Who drew the curtains?”
Nuri: “I did…”
Marshal woman: “Ok, if it’s just for today…”
I guess I looked puzzled so she added her logical explanation: “the sun might discolour them”. Great.
Another side to her personality. She’s so stingy sometimes it makes me angry. And it’s not that they don’t have money. With Christmas approaching, she asked me what the girls might like. She made it clear she doesn’t plan to waste more than half an hour shopping, you see, buying toys it’s not in her “pleasant things to do” list.
Nuri: “Well, if you want, I alredy bought a game of playdoh for A, it’s wrapped and you wouldn’t have to go anywhere”.
Marshal woman: “Perfect. Tell me the price and I’ll give you the money”.
Nuri: “It was a bit expensive, about 40 euros” (I know her, I was preparing her for the shock)
Marshal woman: “errr…. And what about puzzles, does A like puzzles?”
Another bit of conversation, this time with my husband:
She: “L, is there anything you need for Christmas?”
Him: “Well, a pair of trousers would be good”
She: “No, not that”.
Him: “Ok then, I also need a pair of shoes”
She: “No, not that.”
Later I asked him, “so what did you agree on?” And he said: “Nothing. I guess I’ll get another pajama.”
She’s a teacher, and her profession has permeated her personality so much I think she feels all of us are in her school. The kids are either afraid or hypnotised. Today my 2 year old had lunch with us (she usually eats sooner and has her nap) so Marshal woman had a chance to teach her too. “C, not with your fingers, use your fork to eat those macaroni!” C looked at her, she had one macaroni on her left hand and the fork on her right, and she actually left it on the plate and used her fork, with her eyes fixed on grandma. She doesn’t dare disobey her…. Yet. Nor do we.
14 comments:
I must ask...why would you continue to visit such an unhappy place? Life is too short.
That was a big ranting. I must say, even if it sounds strange after my post, that she actually is a good woman. It's just that... well, she lacks warmth. In a way, she's a good educator and her children are proof, they were always clean, polite, and had a clear routine and rules... but they also would have liked her mother to hug them once in a while and that was something quite scarce.
She's my girls grandmother. She likes to see them even though you have to know her to realise that and I feel it's good for them to know all sorts of relatives, and not stay in their clustered little nuclear family (families used to be big and in a way, I guess that was good, more people were involved in education). And I also added what I thought was a bit of humour to the post, but I may have failed in that!!
What a long answer to your comment!!! I'm spaming my own blog!!
Spamming? Never. Explaining.
We are quite different. For me, being a good person is not enough. That person must exhibit traits that make me want to be around them - that I consider positive traits.
I agree with you, except... from the moment I married her son and had the girls, I feel there's some kind of an obligation to visit. After all, they do want to be with their grandchildren and actually, some of the things they learn there are ok. You feel no obligation towards your family?
No, I really don't feel an obligation. I have pretty much the same rules for relatives as everyone else - if I like them I will spend time with them. If I don't; then I won't.
On occasion, very rare occasion, circumstance may cause me to spend some time with one I don't like. For example my brother (now deceased)has a daughter I don't care for. When visiting with him it would be inevitable I would cross paths with the girl. I was always polite, but avoided her like the plague.
Ok, if you had children, wouldn't you take them to visit their grandparents? I must admit She's not a woman I'd socialize with before I married. And we hardly spent any time there before we had the girls. But I think we've all learnt to tolerate and even enjoy one another, if only a bit, and slowly. Sometimes it's worth the effort . I feel there's something to learn or something interesting in nearly everyone. What I envy about her is her efficiency and capacity for work. Compared to her, I'd be on the top 10 lazy people of the world. :-)
I like your attitude towards your whole family Nuri! :O) It's very pragmatic.
I was a parent and, yes, I did take her to see her grandparents. But I had a good relationship with them.
Please do not think I was criticizing you. Because of the way I have lived, and the way I think, I am ignorant of many of the dynamics of inter-personal and familial relationships.
Ayla, pragmatism is a survival tool!
Buffalo, I wouldn't mind if you were criticizing, as long as you do it politely ;-) It's just that what you say makes sense to me.
Why do I spend time there?
1-My husband cares for them and I care for him. Refusing to go there is not worth a divorce!
2-We also visit my family, which has its little annoyances too, so we're even ;-)
3-In time you learn that nobody will take better care for you than family. They're there when you need them. So try to live in peace with everyone. And we do have our arguments sometimes, but... I know I can rely on them.
When some things become a way of life, life ceases to have its own way.
But with everything is in place, it is always easier to find them, no matter where they are, or who keeps them that way.
Great post Nuri. I know of a few people in my family like that.
You are right about the 'obligation' bit, although I do not like to use that word. And yes, your family no matter how 'marshal' is your family,and will always be there for you.
I had aunts like her. And now, years later, I agree - see her every and again. But man, she sounds terrifying!
We're all used to her! Sometimes she lets us set the thermostat to 16... :-P
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